In case you missed it, the above picture was tweeted out yesterday by Captain Jack himself, Spurs swingman Stephen Jackson. It is a picture of several San Antonio Spurs players decked out in full Halloween garb, and it is awesome. So awesome in fact that I probably spent as much time examining this picture as I did the blockbuster trade yesterday that sent James Harden to the Houston Rockets. There are a number of factors that make this image so intriguing. First is that these costumes are doing absolutely nothing to dispel my impression of the Spurs as slightly dorky. They say that a team tends to take on the identity of it's best player, and that certainly seems to be the case with the Spurs and our Starcraft-loving team captain himself, Timmy D, a.k.a. 'Merlin'. Of the nine individuals fully visibly in this picture, a whopping six of them are comic book characters, and a seventh is a video game character. What other team in the NBA could have possibly boasted that kind of ratio of comic book-based costumes to non-comic book-based costumes for Halloween 2012? I dare say none. But just to be sure, we should get the advanced stats guys to create a metric for this ASAP (I'm talking to you, Hollinger).
I spent quite some time asking myself if there was some kind of theme to this Spurs costume party, and I found myself coming up empty time and time again. My first guess would have been comic book characters. But that doesn't explain what the hell Super Mario and the Zorros are doing there. Then I thought maybe we were doing a "hero" theme. Well, unless Tiago Splitter and Stephen Jackson are laying some pretty heavy social commentary on us about the nature of good and evil, and what it means to be a hero, I'm certain The Jokers do not qualify. Then I thought maybe we were doing a "twins" thing. There are, after all, two Zorros, two Jokers, and two Kick-Asses. But then Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, and Cory Joseph had to go and screw that up with their solitary selves. Oh well, I give up. I guess there is no theme. Of course, that does beg the question of why there are two Zorros, two Jokers, and two Kick-Asses. Is it all coincidence? Is there some kind of sly statement being made? Are the Spurs' just really uncreative, as boring with their costume choices as many NBA fans would have us to believe they are on the court? I suppose we'll never really know. And I've wasted more than enough time thinking about it. In any case, on to the power rankings!
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| Artistic rendering of Cory Joseph as Mario |
5. Cory Joseph (I think) as Super Mario
I do dig this costume. Cory may have actually put the most effort into his Halloween outfit. The hat, gloves, the overalls, there is a lot going on here. But Joseph loses points for lack of creativity. The Mario costume has been done, done, and done again. Anybody wearing one at this point is just swagger jackin' Ron Jeremy, which is never a good thing. And Cory, what is with the mean mug? Why are you standing off all to the side? If you're going to wear the outfit, at least get a little into character young fella'.
4. Matt Bonner (?) and Gary Neal (?) as Kick-Ass
I tried to put some separation between these two guys somehow, but in the end I just couldn't. Both Kick-Asses have their distinct advantages. The guy at the bottom, who I think might be Gary Neal, has arguably the coolest action pose out of anybody. And the gentleman at the top I am assuming to be Matt Bonner based on height. And just the thought of Matt Bonner inside that suit is enough to bring a smile to my face and earn him the coveted no. four spot in the power rankings.
3. Punisher Timmy
The affinity Mr. Duncan has for The Punisher is well-documented. So he gets bonus points for his special connection to the costume. At first, I thought the outfit was a little lazy; just a Punisher t-shirt and a long coat. But upon further inspection, the random straps down in the pant area, and the fake gun really push this one over the edge. Plus, the man is Timmy D. More than enough cred to ease into the three spot.
2. Stephen Jackson as The Joker
On first glance, Tiago Splitter and Stephen Jackson are wearing the same costume here. And on second glance, too. Because it is the same costume. But there is one vital difference: Tiago Splitter is Tiago Splitter. And Stephen Jackson is Stephen effin' Jackson. Just look at the crazed eyes of the Cap'n in this photograph. Tiago Splitter looks like an overgrown ICP fan. Jackson looks like he would have Batman running in the other direction if they met up in Gotham. In addition, Jackson posted all these photos to Twitter in the first place, so I couldn't do these power rankings without him. Just look at the way he makes love to the camera; the exact same way he makes love to pressure.
1. Tony Parker as Nick Fury
This is a great friggin' costume. Now granted, upon first glimpsing Tony in all black brandishing a gun and wearing an eye patch, I thought he was simply going back to the same club from that fateful night in search of revenge against Drake and his entourage (this time with adequate eye protection!). But when I recognized the joke, I laughed my ass off. This costume is pretty unique while still being instantly recognizable, is convincing and yet still functions on a meta level that many people won't even appreciate. And I always appreciate an athlete who can enjoy a joke at his own expense. Bravo, Tony, bravo. You've earned the number one spot. Good luck finding an even dorkier costume to wear next year, you big French dork.
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